Sometimes I don’t care that Amelia is in Heaven. I don’t care that “one day I’ll see her again”. I just want to hold my little girl again. I just want to see her face and squeeze her not-so-little belly. I want to watch Maverick play with her and kiss her and I want to see Beckham rub her head and hold her hand. Sadly, none of that will ever happen. It still doesn’t feel real, even three months later. There are still days when I tell the boys to be quiet so they don’t wake up their sister and there’s day when I walk into her room to check on her. I just want to feel her warm face against mine.
“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.” I’ve heard that saying before and although I have no idea where it came from I never knew how true it was until recently. It’s been three months since Amelia died but at times it feels like it was yesterday. Heaven is too far away of a place and we don’t even know what it will be like, so how is that any comfort?
Chanel and I are still trying to process everything while at the same time being present with our other kids. It’s hard to not get offended when people don’t ask us how we’re doing or when they just completely ignore the situation entirely and never reach out to us. We’ve been really surprised both by people who haven’t said a word to us about it and by people who we hardly knew that have become like family. Life feels rushed, like everyone is trying to get something done all the time, meanwhile we’re just sitting here still figuring out what happened. Why did she have to die? What are we supposed to learn from this? What could we have done differently?
The Medical Examiner called us several weeks ago with autopsy results and cause of death. They couldn’t find any reason for her death, no trauma, no respiratory issues, no head issues, and no brain issues. Because of having no findings they classified her death as Sudden Unexplained Death in Infancy, or SUDI for short, which is the new SIDS. I found myself feeling angry when we got that call. I wanted to know the reason our baby girl went from healthy to gone in 12 hours. Why? Why? Why? The ME’s office had no answers for us.
Someone told me when everything first happened that eventually I would feel angry with God. I didn’t believe them at the time but I’m starting to understand why they said that. Don’t get me wrong, I know God is in charge, and I trust Him, yada, yada, yada. It still sucks. It sucks that we don’t get to see her grow up and it sucks that this is the way thing are now.
A few weeks after we got the results back from the ME I came to terms with the fact that it was just her time to go. SUDI, or SIDS, means that there is no explanation for the cause of death. It just happened. The more I thought about it the more it actually gave me peace. If science and medical professionals couldn’t explain her death then that meant that only God can. I know it sounds backwards but think about it. No one here on earth can explain her death. God only has our best interest in mind so the only logical conclusion I can come up with is that it was just her time to go.
Some good things have already come out of this tragedy. Several people have reached out to us and told us that they’ve reconnected with God or started going to church again. That alone makes it all worth it. I’ve said from the beginning of all this that I want Amelia’s life to count for something and if someone hears her story and recommits their life to God or even just gets back in church then it makes it a little easier.
Three weeks before Amelia died I had a vasectomy because we were happy with our two boys and one girl and couldn’t imagine having anymore kids. Ha. Now we both believe that God has other plans so last month I flew to Oklahoma to have a reverse vasectomy (Michael Scott, had it done as well). We still miss our daughter more than words can say, and at least one night a week we just lay in her room and sob but we’ve taken comfort in knowing that she’ll always be a part of our family no matter what. I have so much more to write about this but I’ll save it for later. Thanks for reading and thank you for praying for us and with us.